PERFECTIONISM | Signs, Symptoms, Causes & Cures
Perfectionism isn’t only about being perfect, it’s about never feeling good enough and doing everything humanly possible to avoid failing. Perfectionists can be high achievers, very self-disciplined, and possess great attention to detail, but it comes at a cost. Below I cover almost 30 signs and symptoms of perfectionism, along with seven common causes - so you can discover if you may have picked up some perfectionistic tendencies and start exploring why.
Perfectionism is defined as ‘the refusal to accept any standard short of perfection’. Whereas perfection is defined as ‘the action or process of improving something until it is faultless, or as faultless as possible’. After reading these definitions, I found myself naturally asking: Why would we feel the need to always aim for faultlessness, and why do some of us feel the need to strive to transcend our humanness?
Especially because being human comes with its own inevitable imperfections, and trying to be perfect has so many negative side-effects. Research has linked perfectionism with a range of mental, emotional and physical health problems - including anxiety, depression, fatigue, insomnia, chronic dissatisfaction, obsessive-compulsive and eating disorders. In short, perfectionism appears to take its toll on overall health and life success.
Perfectionists tend to have ‘all or nothing’ thinking, which is very black and white and limiting. For example, the perfectionist will think something is either a success or a failure. This kind of thinking pattern causes a chronic stress and dissatisfaction; mainly due to the high standards that perfectionists possess, and the near impossibility that they will ever meet their own strict and ever-changing high standards.
Ultimately, perfectionism stems from believing our self-worth is based upon what we achieve, the persona we project, and/or other people’s perceptions of us.. Perfectionists seek love and acceptance and usually believe: ‘I must be perfect in order to feel good enough, worthy, loveable’. As a result, perfectionists are often addicted to accomplishments and compliments. However, like all addictions, the more we ‘use’ the stimulant, the more we build up a tolerance, causing us to need more to feel any form of satisfaction.
I recognise perfectionism as an addiction because it includes the compulsion to act in certain ways and accomplish certain things. Like all addictions, the first step to recovery is to acknowledge if you have perfectionistic tendencies. After making this all-important first step, I invite you to then discover and resolve any possible cause(s) - so that you can find a more peaceful, fulfilling and free way to be.
“As a recovering perfectionist, I now see that I was a workaholic because I was seeking my self-worth and meaning in life through the approval of others and my accomplishments.”
Signs & Symptoms
Very High Standards - To the point of being unrealistic un-human standards.
Goal Post Goals - Even if you accomplish the goals/standards, you raise the bar/move the goalposts.
Burnout - Due to pushing so hard (mentally/physically) to meet your goals and standards.
Discontentment - Due to ‘all or nothing thinking’, as the standard is ‘perfect’, life lacks satisfaction.
Comparison - Repeatedly checking how well you are doing and how you compare with others.
Highly Critical - Judgemental, find mistakes, and hone in on imperfections (Yourself & Others).
Negatively Biased - Focusing more on what you haven’t achieved, rather than what you have.
Average Unacceptable - Due to ‘black and white’ thinking, if it’s not perfect, it’s a failure.
Feeling Like A Failure - Irrespective of what you do, it is never enough to feel good enough!
Fluctuating Self-Worth - Your self-worth is based upon accomplishments and compliments.
Indecisiveness - The need to be perfect will often paralyse your ability to make decisions.
Procrastination - Fearing failure, you can avoid doing if you are unsure of perfect result.
People Pleaser - Need everyone to think highly of you. Gutting if others see flaws or disapprove.
Project Perfect Persona - Afraid of being judged. Only share successes. Insist it’s all perfect.
Defensiveness - Perfectionists usually take feedback/criticism badly/personally/to heart.
Over-Control & Over-Do - Hard to trust others/delegate. ‘If you want it done properly, do it yourself’.
Uncelebrated Success - Even if you achieve your goal, you’ll find fault: ‘I should have done it quicker’.
Known For It - Other people describe you as being a perfectionist or needing things to be perfect.
You always look great - Pressure to present yourself, home, work, relationships as ‘perfect’.
It’s hard to relax - Unstructured and unproductive time feels wrong. Hobbies can appear pointless!
Hard to meditate - Not sure if you’re doing it right, hate to be bad at things, see it as a waste of time.
Well-being sacrificed - Missed meals, missed sleep, over-working etc.
Regret past mistakes - Perfectionists miss the present mulling over what they did wrong.
Distant relationships - Need for acceptance and fear of rejection = They tend to keep their distance.
Over-time on projects - Long after others would have stopped because it is never ‘quite right’.
Don’t ask for help - Needing help is a sign of weakness, and other’s can’t do it ‘as perfect’.
Full of guilt - Not allowed to make a mistake + Never meeting expectations = Constant failing = Guilt.
Common Causes
In my observations and research, there appears to be seven primary causes of perfectionism:
PARENTAL EXPECTATIONS - If a child had to try to live up to, and meet, very high parental expectations, then they can learn from a very young age that their best is never good enough and that ‘perfect’ is the required standard to survive and/or be loved and accepted.
PARENTAL SHAMING - Highly critical parents can punish any perceived mistakes or failures performed by their child. Parental shaming consists of name-calling, yelling, silent treatments, disapproving looks, guilt-tripping, private or public ‘put downs’, and even physical attacks or abuses. This can cause the child to believe they are ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, causing them to carry what’s called ‘toxic shame’. As a result of parental shaming, the child tries to do everything they can to avoid being punished, never make a mistake or fail, and ultimately aim for ‘perfection’ in the hope to gain approval and love.
PARENTAL PRAISE - On the flip-side of parental shaming, we find another cause of perfectionism, which is excessive praise. Many perfectionists were the ‘golden child’ in their family, and received a huge amount of praise growing up. This cause is less obvious, because ‘nothing bad happened’. Yet, due to a child’s strong need to please the adults around them, the child can feel under pressure to perform; in order to live up to the constant praise of the parents and continue to be seen as ‘perfect’.
NARCISSISTIC PARENT/PARTNER - When you are dealing with a narcissistic parent or partner, the goal-posts are often moved and whatever you do is only intermittently good enough. Meaning, even if you do meet the standards of the narcissist, they will find a way to find fault and bring you down, at some point. Narcissists shift between ‘love bombing’ (with praise/compliments) to then withdraw their love, attention and praise. This is incredibly confusing, causing the ‘victim’ to never know what is required. Narcissists usually also have unresolved shame, which they are unwilling/unable to feel, and so they project it out at their ‘victim’. Perfectionistic tendencies occur as the victim feels the need to strive for perfection to meet the ever-changing standards, and attain the narcissists approval.
LOW SELF-WORTH - Growing up, a child can learn that their self-worth is dependent on their parents perceptions of them, and subsequently start believing that their self-worth is determined by their achievements. People with low self-worth can get trapped in forever needing to prove their worth, love-ability, and that they are good enough. As a result, low self-worth can lead to perfectionism
FEELING OUT-OF-CONTROL - Over-protective, over-controlling or abusive parents and/or traumatic past events can all cause hurt and fear, and the experience of being out of control. It is natural for a person feeling out of control to do whatever they can to address the imbalance and regain authority over their life. Perfectionism is a common coping mechanism to feeling out of control - to help find order in chaos and return to feeling safe and secure.
ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING - Perfectionists are prone to a particular thinking pattern. Their mindset is usually either/or this/that good/bad right/wrong success/failure loved/unloved perfect/imperfect - rarely BOTH. For example: I am either a success or failure - with no possibility of anything in-between. Keep reading for an exercise you can do to heal this kind of all-or-nothing thinking pattern.
Quick Start Cure
DIALECTICAL THINKING (Inspired by @Dr.Menije)
Perfectionism allows no room for shortcomings, mistakes or imperfections. Perfectionists tend to have an ‘all or nothing’ ‘back and white’ thinking pattern. By this, they are either this OR that. They will think:
I’m good or I’m bad.
It was perfect or it was a failure.
I eat well or I eat unhealthily.
Life is going well or life is a disaster.
I understand or I’m utterly confused.
You are either with me or you’re against me.
To change this destructive thinking pattern, you can harness the power of ‘AND’ in what’s called ‘Dialectical Thinking’. Examples include:
I didn’t finish my to-do list and my day was productive.
I am taking longer than expected and I am making progress.
I am a great parent and I lost my temper.
I am doing the best I can and I make mistakes.
I said no to my friend and I am a supportive friend.
I have strengths and I have weaknesses.
I am good at certain things and not so good at other things.
I can do things on my own and I can ask for help.
I have empathy for others and I sometimes judge others.
Cure the Cause
Perfectionism is a form of addiction, as those prone to it are compelled to think, feel and behave in perfectionistic ways. Perfectionism is also an unconscious coping mechanism, with its causes found within the realms of the unconscious mind. As a result, to heal your compulsive habit of perfectionism, you want to ensure you are working on the unconscious causes of the compulsion/need to be ‘perfect’.
If you can relate to a number of the above signs and symptoms, then I warmly invite you to have some one:one Mind Detox sessions with me. During these session we will discover and resolve the possible unconscious causes of your perfectionism - including early-life events, negative beliefs and emotions. Instead of trying to use your willpower alone to stop the habit, I am an advocate for healing the undercover causes, as that can allow the need to be perfect to naturally fall away and be replaced with an easier, freer and more enjoyable way to live. For more info about my one:one sessions, CLICK HERE.
In Closing
If we were all meant to be perfectionists, then the habit wouldn’t have so many negative side-effects. Perfectionists often end up super-stressed, discontented, isolated, ill, and end up feeling like a failure - irrespective of how hard they work or what they accomplish. On the other hand, there are many benefits of freeing yourself from perfectionism - including better health, contentment, enhanced decision-making, and better relationships.
There is so much connection found in being human and learning how to embrace being perfectly imperfect. It is key to experiencing more inner ease and peace, and accomplishing what you want with far less stress. We were never meant to be ‘perfect’. Imperfections are what make us unique and beautiful.
About the Author
Sandy C. Newbigging is a therapist, meditation teacher, author and award-winning tutor. For eighteen years, his research, clinical work and academy courses have been dedicated to uncovering and curing the unconscious causes of physical, emotional and life issues.
Sandy specialises in releasing past traumas, understanding and harnessing the mind-body connection, improving mindset, and gaining an optimal relationship with life. He uses a combination of his personally-developed Mind Detox methods and also Q.E.C. To work with him, check out his Sessions, Mind Detox Club and Academy. Sandy recently won the FHT ‘Tutor of the Year’ award!
