FREEDOM LIMITED MY LIFE | How I found more freedom through commitment and future plans
For decades, my desire for freedom was subtly creating a number self-imposed prisons that were severely limiting my life. Let me explain. Freedom has always been an important value for me. So much so, my need to always maintain freedom influenced the majority of my decisions and actions, and I managed to ‘successfully’ set up my life so I would never end up stuck.
Working for myself helped massively towards this goal. I was able to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted, wherever I wanted. I never considered owning a home, as renting ‘gave me more flexibility’ and ensured I wouldn’t end up trapped somewhere I didn’t like.
Marriage was also a big ‘no-no’ for me. If ever asked if I’d get married, I would say that ‘I didn’t believe in the institution’, when the truth was, I didn’t want to get stuck with the wrong woman. Planning ahead was also stressful and hard for me. In my business, I would announce events with so little advance warning that I’d often receive responses like: ‘I would have loved to attend your event, but I already have plans’.
When travelling, I would always book flights and hotels last minute, often finding limited availability and incurring higher prices. And if I ever wanted to host a social gathering, again, my requests of ‘Are you free tonight or this weekend’, would usually be met with ‘Sorry, it’s too late notice for me, next time…’
Extreme-Freedom
Then one day, when chatting with a friend who’s also a trauma-aware therapist, I discovered that my ‘extreme-freedom’ way of engaging life was actually a trauma-response. Wait, what?! How could wanting freedom ever be a bad thing? As with most things, it depends upon our intent and real reasons for wanting what we want.
“Irrespective of what you want, ask yourself: Why do I want it?”
Our intentions are the more subtle, often unconscious, reasons why we want what we want. For example, we may say we want to meet someone and be in a relationship. Our intent can be positive – to connect, love, or share our life with someone. Or our intentions can be to escape loneliness or avoid the terrifying prospect of dying alone! Perhaps this is a rather extreme example, but I really want you to get the point. We can want positive things – freedom, love or even a Ferrari – but not always for purely positive reasons.
When our intent is fear-or-trauma-based, then it can end up having a detrimental impact upon our results and life. For me, my short-term thinking and last-minute way of living was limiting my business success, wasting me money, messing with my home-life, and limiting my access to deeper love and connection – both with my partner and my friends and family.
My Liberating Lesson
One of the biggest lessons I’ve gained from my work as a trauma-aware therapist is this: Our adult problems are usually our childhood solutions. Meaning, the root causes of our negative patterns or problems today, often stems from an earlier-life trauma-response.
For instance, when I was a child, I got bullied at school, but had to keep going. I also had to go to church for a few hours every Sunday. As a response to these early-life experiences, I grew up with an unconscious need to rebel against any apparent control or influence over me or my life.
As an adult, I would proudly declare that I lived a free life, but in all honesty, my last-minute way of working was just a symptom of an underlying fear of ever feeling constrained or controlled, like I’d felt as a child. Perhaps ironically, my fear-based freedom also made me more controlling, which took a lot of self-honestly to finally admit!
Since healing this trauma, I’ve been amazed to find far more freedom within commitment, plus empowerment in making longer-term plans – due to increased options and choices. How’s it changed my life? I’ve not only found more inner peace and ease, but I’m currently in the process of building a ranch in Northern Mexico - with my wife!
Cristina on our land raising a ‘glass’ to celebrate the start of our ‘Highlands Ranch’ project in Northern Mexico.
“I still love freedom; it continues to be a high value for me. But freedom no longer controls or limits me.”
Freedom is a core intention for building the ranch - as we want to make the shift from consumers to producers - by growing our own food and making our own energy. Freedom was a core reason I was a monk for fourteen years - and freedom is one of the main reasons why I got out - when the spiritual ‘community’ started trying to control me (amongst other ‘cultish’ things). And when working with my one:one clients, my primary focus continues to be freeing them from whatever issues are limiting their mental, emotional, physical and spiritual potential.
How might my story help yours? Are your intentions positive and coming from the purest place? What are you postponing, which could give you more freedom - if you committed now? Are any of your adult problems a childhood solution to something?
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About the Author
Sandy C. Newbigging is a trauma-aware therapist, meditation teacher, author and award-winning tutor. For eighteen years, his research, clinical work and academy courses have been dedicated to uncovering and curing the unconscious causes of mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and life issues.
Sandy specialises in releasing past traumas, understanding and harnessing the mind-body connection, improving mindset, and gaining an optimal relationship with life. To work with him, check out his One:One Sessions, Calm Clan Membership and Academy. Sandy recently won the FHT ‘Tutor of the Year’ award!
