GASLIGHTING | Are you gaslighting or being gaslit?
Gaslighting is a term that’s getting more exposure recently, but what is it exactly? Let me shine some light on the subject, so that you can know if you are accidentally gaslighting yourself or others, or are ever being gaslit.
Gaslighting is a form of mental and emotional manipulation that undermines the validity of a person's thoughts, feelings and perceptions of reality. It usually causes confusion and uncertainty, loss of confidence, anxiety, and can lead to more dependency on the perpetrator - as the person who’s being gaslighted becomes unable to trust their own clarity, intuition and perceptions. But here’s the thing about gaslighting… we are also often doing it to ourself too! More on this later…
Before I share some signs and symptoms to look out for (including the common phrases gaslighters tend to use), let’s start with why it’s called ‘gaslighting’?
Origins of the Term
The term Gaslighting is derived from a 1944 psychological thriller called Gaslight. In the movie, a husband uses mind games and manipulations to convince his wife that she is insane, so he can gain power of attorney and steal from her.
During the film, the husband dims and brightens a gaslight, and when his wife notices, he says it is only her imagination.
Hence, the term gaslighting is used when a person becomes disorientated or distressed because they are made to doubt their perceptions (generally for the gaslighter's own benefit).
Signs & Symptoms
How do you know if you’ve been on the receiving end of gaslighting?
Well, if you have been, then you may overly-question and second-guess yourself, so even this question may cause you some confusion or even anxiety. The confusion comes from constantly being told that your thoughts, feelings, intuitions, senses, or perceptions are in some way ‘wrong’. Whereas the anxiety usually arises from a history of your reality being invalidated, making it hard to 100% trust yourself.
Gaslighting reduces our self-esteem and confidence as we are made to feel psychologically impaired or misguided, and incapable of knowing what we are truly thinking, feeling or seeing (without the gaslighter’s guidance). It is disempowering, weakens our sense-of-self and our capacity to function optimally.
Let’s say you’ve been hurt by something someone said or did. When trying to talk to the person about it, instead of your feelings and version of reality being acknowledged, respected and responded to with an apology, you are shut down and accused of ‘overreacting’, ‘being too emotional’ or ‘making a mountain out of a mole hill’. Other common gaslighting phrases include . . .
Gaslighting Phrases:
'I never said that’
‘I didn’t do that'
‘Don’t be so dramatic’
'You’re overreacting’
'You’re way too emotional’
’You're imagining things’
‘You’re making stuff up’
‘It’s no big deal'
‘You just need to let it go'
‘It’s just your ego that cares’
‘You’re remembering it wrong'
'You’re too sensitive'
Always being told you are ‘too sensitive’, for example, makes you believe that you are somehow wrong to be feeling how you’re feeling. Gaslighting is harmful because we all need to be seen, heard and understood, in order to feel safe and trust ourself and others. Gaslighting, on the other hand, corrodes safety and trust, which is why it causes trauma, stress, confusion and limits our ability to live secure, sovereign and successful lives.
For the record, I’m not saying that all gaslighting is done with malice or negative intent. Some gaslighting is because the gaslighter doesn’t know how to deal with certain feelings or problems. Most gaslighter’s have unresolved trauma, or are carrying shame, which gets triggered when others raise issues or show intense emotions, and so they unconsciously need to deny, avoid, or suppress anything that appears to be ‘negative’. Irrespective of intent, it is still vital that you are aware of when gaslighting is happening; to avoid its damaging side-effects and engage in healthier relationships.
Covert Contexts
Gaslighting is often covert, and therefore, it occurs in several contexts that we may least expect it. Here’s some of the lesser-known scenarios to look out for gaslighting:
1. Mainstream Narratives
In today’s new world of ‘fact-checking’, the increased suppression of free speech through censorship and ‘cancel culture’, and alternative ideas being branded as ‘misinformation’ or ‘conspiracy theories’, many who think outside the box of the mainstream narrative are often gaslighted.
I’m not saying that all theories are true, and yet, even if people’s views and opinions are in fact supported by evidence, they are still often told that their perceptions of reality are invalid, incorrect, and that they are wrong to even think it. This gaslighting is causing countless individuals to feel alienated and alone.
As someone who views himself as a ‘free thinker’, I found it super helpful to recognise that I was being gaslit, along with millions of others who like to research what might be really going on in the world - beyond what we are told to believe via mainstream programming.
2. Spiritual Groups
Perhaps surprisingly, gaslighting is super common in spiritual circles, albeit it can be harder to recognise because it’s often hidden under misunderstood twisted spiritual ‘truths’ - and performed in the noble pursuit of becoming ‘ego-free’ or ‘enlightened’. In spiritual groups, gaslighting is either done by the ‘leader' or ‘teachers’ of the group, and/or members are taught to gaslight themselves.
Gaslighting can happen if anyone in the group shares their concerns about the leader or organisation. When this happens, their views will often be labeled as ‘gossip’, ‘drama’, or just the ‘ego talking’. Members may also be encouraged to ‘not put their attention on anything negative’ or ignore any ideas or concerns about something being ‘off’ within the leader or organisation, for example.
Or let’s say the members are taught to ‘live in the moment’ and not ‘over-think’. Then, at some point, they face some unresolved trauma about a past event. In this scenario, gaslighting would usually discourage any critical thinking or conversation about their problem, and instead, they may simply be told that they’re ‘in their ego-mind’, ‘not conscious’, and usually even recommended to just ‘let it go’ or ‘surrender better’.
“Although ‘letting go’ and ‘surrender’ can be helpful advice, it can be used by spiritual gasligher’s to shut down critical thinking and can end up preventing true healing and self-awareness.”
So if you are being shut down or silenced in any way, told what you are seeing is somehow wrong, or discouraged to talk freely about any concerns, for example, then you are being gaslighted.
Spiritual gaslighting can leave followers confused, disempowered, and ultimately unhealed. Gaslighting strengthens the ‘spiritual ego’ (as it is the ego that wants to deny, suppress or reject parts of the Self/God). Spiritual gaslighting keeps people in 'separation’ - despite their desire to experience ‘oneness’ - because it is founded upon the mistaken belief that some parts of creation are conscious and ‘good’ (God), whereas other parts of creation that are ‘unconscious’, ‘bad’, and should therefore be ignored or avoided.
True spirituality is the great equaliser; as everything is valid and arising from source, existing within source.
3. Family, Friends, Partners
In a relationship where gaslighting is going on, you will rarely feel seen, heard, understood and accepted. You will find the finger of blame, for what you are thinking or feeling, is regularly pointed back at you. The way you feel will be your fault, the gaslighter will have ‘nothing to do with it’, and even sometimes act like they are the victim to your over-reactions, misperceptions and oversensitivity. A couple examples:
You may see something ‘bad’, ‘wrong’ or ‘off’ going on in the relationship, but you are told it isn’t a problem, that it’s ‘just in your mind’, and that you are just ‘being judgemental’, for example.
You may muster the courage to finally call someone out for something they’ve said or done, and they confuse the hell out of you by saying they never said or did it. (Incidentally, ‘I never said that’ is also a common phrase used by narcissists.)
Let me share a recent one:one client case, which is a cool example of covert gaslighting. My client was raised in a family that would always hide their true feelings from each other. As a child, my client would see that her mum was upset, for example, but her mum would always say everything was ok. Although this response may have been well-intended by the parent, this covert gaslighting response to my client’s observations was incredibly confusing for the child, causing fear and anxiety. It also caused my client to grow up unable to trust their own thoughts, feelings and perceptions.
[Incidentally, the healthier response here would have been to validate the child’s perceptions, while also reassuring them that they can rely on their parent for protection and connection. This way the child grows up to able to trust them self and doesn’t feel responsible for taking care of the parent - which is a common early-life trauma called ‘parentification’.]
4. Therapeutic Sessions
When I’m working with one:one clients, I often have to highlight when they are gas-lighting themselves. They may be downplaying how something hurt them or make comments that undermine the validity of their thoughts, feelings or experiences. They may say: ‘I know it’s just a judgement, but...’ or ‘I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but…’ or ‘I know I should just be present and let it go, but…' or ‘I’m probably just resisting…’ or ‘I probably need to be better at loving unconditionally’. The list of examples goes on.
When working with a therapist, give yourself permission to share honestly about what’s going on for you; without the need to undermine or underplay what you’re thinking or feeling. If you aren’t completely honest, it’s harder for the therapist to help you, and it’s near impossible to 100% heal or make positive changes, if you are self-gaslighting.
Healing & Honestly
You see, even if your perceptions aren't completely accurate, they are still your current perceptions. You have been hurt, or let down, or disappointed, for example. The other person’s actions were not ok for you, and they have had an impact, that until recognised, will remain hurtful and harmful.
So please be honest with yourself and let others share their thoughts and feelings - without the fear of being gaslit. Your opinions and perceptions are valid, even if someone else thinks they aren’t. Call anyone out, who you feel is gaslighting you, and kindly call yourself out whenever you notice that you may be gaslighting yourself. And if gaslighting is commonly used in your relationship or spiritual group, call out the perpetrator(s). If they again try to point the finger back at you, and again try to undermine the validity of what you are feeling or seeing, ask yourself if it’s the kind of relationship or community you want to stay in.
“Healing requires honestly. Forgiveness requires us to face what’s happened. We can’t fully heal, or forgive, if we are gaslighting.”
What can you do if you recognise that you may be gaslighting others?
Stop it! If someone come to you with a problem, first be willing to listen. Then, even if you don’t agree with them, aim to ensure they feel seen, heard and understood. I’m not saying you can’t give advice or point out to anyone if you see a blindspot, victimhood or any room for improvement. But just aim to listen and understand, first, and eliminate any gaslighting from your interactions. Doing so will cultivate a culture of safety and trust within your relationships, and allow for closer connections and intimacy.
And finally, what if you are gaslighting yourself or are being gaslit?
Know that your thoughts, feelings, perceptions and opinions are valid, even if someone else thinks they aren’t, or you end up being ‘wrong’. Stop using phrases like: ‘I’m probably wrong, but…’ or ‘I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but…’. Be honest with yourself and others, and honour your current experience.
Healing, feeling better and making life improvements all require honesty, safety, trust and the ability to talk freely about things. By pulling the plug on gaslighting, you illuminate more clarity, connection and truth within yourself, others and the world.
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About the Author
Sandy C. Newbigging is a therapist, meditation teacher, author and award-winning tutor. For eighteen years, his research, clinical work and academy courses have been dedicated to uncovering and curing the unconscious causes of physical, emotional and life issues.
Sandy specialises in releasing past traumas, understanding and harnessing the mind-body connection, improving mindset, and gaining an optimal relationship with life. He uses a combination of his personally-developed Mind Detox methods and also Q.E.C. To work with him, check out his Sessions, Mind Detox Club and Academy. Sandy recently won the FHT ‘Tutor of the Year’ award!
